Running, maybe. Hiding, probably.
There are times in which the past, always following, always present, gets ahead. The hollowed mouth engulfing, chewing you up, tasting the metallic taste of years gone by and memories no longer important.
Shoo it away like a fly on a beautiful summer afternoon.
But it lingers. It overshadows you, closing in under the shade of the willow tree branches overhead. The feelings drag over your skin, tingles slightly, before sinking deeper. It gets inside you—no amount of disinfectant can cease the itch. The one you can’t scratch. The memories you can’t un-know. The faces you can’t un-see.
You were just fine yesterday, last week, last month, last year, thank you very much.
And you wonder what changed.
You wonder what kind of sorcery, what kind of trick, what exactly happened in the meantime.
And more importantly, you wonder how to fix it.
Wall yourself up to find the ghosts pass straight through? Undo the doing between then and now? Redo the hatred that once flowed so freely, the river now ran dry?
When you figure it out, let me know.
I’ve said this numerous times but one more time for emphasis: life is so cyclical.
I’ve dubbed the coffee shop a block from my house as my “office” until I get around to flipping my spare bedroom into the “home office” I’m looking for to work. Of course, that will take time as I don’t have internet, furniture, or much anything else other than an ironing board I’ve yet to put away from a couple weeks back in it.
For the record, this is the same coffee shop I worked at five years ago (and three months). A life in which I didn’t think anything could get better—I had fantastic friends and a small budget for gas and eating out. I had no idea how much better life could get then.
Five years later, I’m sitting on the other side of the counter as a pretty high-school girl serves up lattes and iced teas. Five years later, I’m auditing websites and writing copy for my own business. I’m twenty-five and a successful business owner after taking the biggest leap of my life, saying I deserve much better and bidding farewell from an abusive workplace.
I’m content, happy, and totally on my own. I’ve the respect from so many people so much older than I am—people that now see me as an equal when I still consider most of them mentors.
Five years later.
I told myself I would make it. And though I’m just beginning, all those parties I missed in college, the boys I never could get to go on a date with me, and the hangovers that I avoided—they’re all worth it to me. Every single missed “opportunity” has lead me right here.
Never doubt who you are or where you could go in life. When I moved out of my parents house five years ago in October, I never in a thousand years, as I was skipping meals because I couldn’t afford it, and declining every outing, that all of those sacrifices would put me here.
Go with your heart. If your heart is telling you that you need to stay home to work until 3am in the morning to get ahead beyond your college homework, do it. If you really don’t want to go to the bar because you know something will be waiting on you when you get home, decline and get your butt in gear to finish that hovering wave.
I will never regret everything I missed because while most people my age are excited to have a job, I made my own through perseverance and a ton of determination… And a swift kick in the butt from my parents.
The last two months… Well, three actually, have been so life altering. I’ve been working so hard am not even close to where I want to be. But how far I’ve come.
So very far.
And I can’t ever express the gratitude for every step.
The to-do list is long and the time is short but the things worth doing will be done if it doesn’t kill me first. So very happy.